At my church, I’m a part of a group called GAP. GAP is an acronym meaning Graduates And Professionals. I once heard our demographic described by a friend’s 5-year-old son as “pretend adults.”

Anyway, we’re a group made up of grad students and young professionals. I guess. I always have a hard time describing the group. I think I have a hard time with it because I constantly feel like I should be aging out of it. I’m 37 now. The vast majority these kids are in their mid-20s. No, I don’t feel old at all.

I actually fool myself into thinking I, too, am in my mid-20s.

But I digress.

This GAP ministry is having a gala next Saturday night. I’m not entirely certain of the purpose of this gala. It’s not like we’re celebrating a yacht race or having a fundraiser to save the endangered mogwai. It may just be an excuse to dress up and have a fancy catered dinner.

Which is what we’re doing. We’re getting dressed up and having a fancy catered dinner.

A few days ago, I got a text from Rebecca asking me if I’d be a part of the entertainment. Huh?

Apparently, as part of the event, several people have been asked to put together acts for the after dinner portion of the evening. Her initial message to me said that my part would be 4-6 minutes. She thought of me because she figured I could “do a baller stand up comedy act or skit.” Again… Huh?

I mean, I’m flattered that she and the others who are putting this together think I’m funny enough to follow through with a stand up routine. But I’ve never done stand up. I don’t often do the public speaking thing.

But I went along with it. I joked with her that this would be a great opportunity for me to break out my magic act. She thought I was being serious. I had to explain that I’m not allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts.

Despite not really knowing what I would do, I agreed to do something. So… uh… what should I do?

No, really. I’m asking. What should I do?

I get that people think I’m funny. I even think I’m funny. But I just don’t think it’s the stand up comedy kind of funny. I don’t think I could just grab a microphone and walk out on stage and start making fun of the president. I don’t think I could just start making obvious observations about life that people would suddenly start laughing about like it’s only funny because I was clever enough to point it out.

I’m a decent singer, so I could sing something. But I hate performing live outside of a karaoke situation because I can’t accompany myself with any sort of musical instrument. I can’t play the piano. Every time I try playing the guitar I realize that I suck a little more than I did the last time I picked the thing up.

I’m pretty good with the written word. But it’s not like I can sit on stage with a laptop and type up a blog post while people watch. I’m pretty sure that only worked for Doogie Howser, M.D.I really am looking for ideas. If you have any, please list them in the comments.