On the way home the other night, I decided I was craving some Chinese takeout. I had actually been craving it for a few days. There’s this place next to the Food Lion here in town that’s pretty good. I found out about this place over the course of several months because of the many menus they sent me in the mail. I’m not sure how they knew I’d be hungry for sweet and sour chicken in the near future. Maybe they got the memo in a fortune cookie.
So the food was good. Nothing too special and nothing to write home about. Certainly nothing to warrant a rave review on a blog that’s read by approximately 17 people. No, the interesting part of this takeout experience came with the fortune cookies. That’s right, I said cookies… plural. I didn’t get the family size meal. It was just for me. But they saw fit to give me three fortunes. Maybe they thought I needed a little extra help. But the thing is, none of the fortunes inside those cookies were really all that helpful.
Fortune #1: Everyone has ambitions. Really? That’s not a fortune. It’s a statement of fact. At least I assume it is. I guess it’s possible that there are some people out there with absolutely zero ambition. But, come on, I’m one of the biggest slackers in America and I have ambition. Even if it’s the ambition to “work” from home and never have to wear a tie again, it’s something that someone aspires to. By the way, that’s not necessarily my ambition. But I wouldn’t turn it down.
Fortune #2: To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. Okay, who’s the motivational speaker that came up with that one? Be nothing? The slip of paper may as well have said, Your life is worthless, you big waste of space. These fortunes are just giving off a really depressing vibe. The third one has to be better, right?
Fortune #3: You will do well to expand your business. Now, that’s a little more like it. A fortune cookie that tries to tell me a little bit about my future and the success I might have if I expand my business. Granted, I don’t have a business to expand, but if I did, I sure would go out tomorrow and expand it. Why? Because the paper inside the pastry told me to. But really, what does the fortune cookie know? It could have said, You will do well to buy a lottery ticket. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna win.
So the fortunes weren’t that great. At best, I was left feeling a little down about my possible future. But then I thought about that old joke. I think the first time I heard anyone say it was back in college, back when we hit the Chinese buffet a lot of the time. You know, one of those funny things you do with fortunes. You take the paper, read it aloud, then add the words “in bed” to the end of it. Sure, it can sometimes lead to a pretty crude mental picture, but that immature kid inside you is probably laughing his or her head off. Let’s try that with these really crappy fortunes, shall we?
Everyone has ambitions… in bed. Okay, that’s a little funny.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing… in bed. Wow… that’s a little hurtful, I think.
You will do well to expand your business… in bed. Yeah, if you’re a hooker.
And there you have it. The three worst fortunes to ever come from some really cheap cookies. I kind of want to stop at this restaurant again soon. I’m hoping to get some more cookies from the same batch, just to see what other bad fortunes are out there. Have you ever gotten a really cruddy fortune?