When I was in college, I began compiling a list of rules that I felt were important. I never wrote them down, so I guess they were unwritten rules. But now, I feel it’s time to pass on these rules to you, my loyal listeners. I mean readers.
1. Don’t talk about Fight Club. Just don’t do it.2. If you walk away from the Omelet Shoppe without a classic story, it was a wasted trip. This one made particular sense during those college years when the Omelet Shoppe trip was a regular thing. Luckily, we could count on an endless supply of drunken morons to entertain us during those trips.
3. Every movie is better on the big screen. It doesn’t matter if you’re seeing Back to the Future (the best movie ever made) or Batman & Robin (the worst). Nothing compares to seeing a film in squeaky seats on sticky floors surrounded by total strangers who noisily crunch popcorn and slurp their sodas but shush you if you dare to whisper a plot-centered question to the girl you’re with.4. Be prepared. Okay, I just stole this from the Boy Scouts. And Phoebe Buffay. But it just makes good sense.
5. If my door’s open, come on in. I keep this rule to this day. My apartment door stays closed and locked. I’m a grown up now and I don’t see my neighbors in class every day. This is a safety concern now. But, back in the day, if I was in the room and not sleeping, the door was open. It was nice to have people drop by every now and then.6. Don’t let the kid down the hall know you have a Nintendo unless you want him to become your new best friend. In one case, the kid became one of my best friends and was later my roommate. But with a different kid down the hall, I got so sick of him that I had to start leaving my door closed for a while. Really screwed up my open door policy.
7. Don’t wait for all else to fail before you check out the instructions. That new desk you got real cheap at Ikea? Yeah, it came with instructions in four languages for a reason. If you try to put screw E into slot B, you’re gonna have some pretty cheap modern art. I wouldn’t suggest setting up your computer there.8. Never turn down free food off campus. This especially goes for instances when someone is willing to buy you a meal at a sit down type of restaurant. But it also applies for anyone who welcomes you into their home and cooks for you. Also for the drive through. Seriously, have you ever eaten in a cafeteria? After college, it still applies, but only because I don’t want to cook for myself. Or pay for food in general.
9. If a woman wants a real opinion about what she’s trying on, she shouldn’t take a guy with her. Again, this just makes good sense. Unless the opinion you’re looking for sounds something like, “It’s okay,” or “No, that looks good.”10. If you can’t look back on it and laugh, it wasn’t worth doing. Come on, life is funny. Okay, so a lot of the time, life isn’t funny. It’s stressful and worrisome. But you need to be able to find the fun in whatever it is that you do. Otherwise, you’ll just end up an angry and bitter person, and that’s not hurting anyone but yourself.