That Rural Drive

I see a lot of things on my daily drive to work. My drive consists of the bustle of a college town, the insanity of an interstate highway, and the sheer senselessness of winding back roads. I see a lot of things that cause me to laugh. A lot of normal people probably wouldn’t laugh. But I’m not normal. And when you’re driving for as long as I do every day, you tend to spend a lot of time thinking about things. One innocent sight will plant a seed of humor in my head and then, several miles down the road, I’m cracking up over something that managed to grow to ridiculous proportions in my head.

Again… these observations are the result of my brain going into overdrive. Just because I crack myself up doesn’t mean you’ll laugh with me. If you take the time to read all of this, thank you. If you get to the end and haven’t been able to find the humor, let me know and I’ll send you the minutes of your life that you wasted along with a sincere apology letter.*

CowsSomething that makes me laugh is livestock. Mostly cows. Although, I’ve seen horses do this, too. I’m driving along, minding my own business, when out of nowhere I see a cow (or a horse) stretching its head either over the fence or between some of the wires that make up the fence as it’s trying to reach the grass that’s growing on the other side. I mean, it’s stretching far, y’all. It looks like it hurts for the poor animal to stretch its neck in such a way. I really don’t know anything about cows or horses, nor do I know about these animals’ ability to reason or understand human speech. But part of me just wants to pull over and say, “Hey, cow, I’m sure the grass looks greener on the other side of that fence you’re breaking your neck to eat through. But have you noticed that you’re standing in a lush field? It’s full of grass. And it’s all green. Just a thought, and take this advice with a grain of salt as I’ve never actually eaten grass, but wouldn’t those acres of land behind you be easier to reach? Unless you just don’t like to eat where you and your herd have been walking. I know I wouldn’t want to eat a slice of pizza that I just stepped on. But why would you even know the difference? You’re a cow.”

Are you laughing yet? No? This one might get you. The other day as I was driving through one of the wooded areas that I pass through on the way to work, I noticed a “For Sale” sign tacked to a tree. It was a hand-painted sign that said just that. “For Sale”. There were no details whatsoever. I’m sure the seller meant to include a phone number. But I got to thinking about how a phone conversation between a buyer and seller might go. Indulge me, if you will. Oh, and it will help to imagine the buyer’s voice as that of Jeff Foxworthy. The seller could be pretty much anyone, I think.

Buyer: “Hey, you the fella sellin’ that tree out on Indian Valley Road?”

Seller: “Tree? Oh! No, sir, I’m selling the property that the tree is growing on. Are you interested?”

B: “I’m interested in the tree. How much are you willing to sell it for?”

S: “Sir, the tree isn’t for sale, it’s the property that I’m trying to sell. The tree comes with the property if you’d like to buy that.”

B: “No, I don’t need anymore land. I need that tree. It looks like it’s got some good, solid wood. I’d like to strip the bark off, cut it up, and make it into a chair.”

S: “Well, I’m sorry, I’m not interested in selling just the tree.”

B: “Then let me ask you this, let’s say you sell the property to someone and they don’t want the tree. What happens to it then?”

S: “That’s entirely up to the new owner.”

B: “So do you think I could call dibs on that tree if they don’t need it? I mean, I’d hate to think a good tree like that is just gonna be wasted.”

S: “I don’t think you can call dibs on a tree.”

B: “Oh, I think I can. Tell you what, you just let whoever buys that property know that you have an interested third party that wants to talk to them about that tree.”

S: “I’m sorry, do you understand that the tree isn’t for sale?”

B: “No, I don’t understand that. You put a sign on the tree. The sign says For Sale. I want to buy that tree.”

And then I got to school and never really let my mind find an ending to that ridiculous conversation. Though I really think it would make for an excellent prank phone call that some of those radio personalities are known for. I imagine the conversation could just keep going until the seller eventually got so frustrated that they hang up the phone. I’ll keep an eye out for a phone number. If I hear anything about that tree being sold I’ll let you know.Bart and Lisa Prank Call*I was only kidding about the minutes and apology letter. Because I know you found all of this to be hilarious. And if you didn’t, you receive only my pity because you are humorless and possibly have no soul.

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