Hey there, welcome back to another edition of Question of the Week! For those just joining us, this is where I tackle thought-provoking questions from Gregory Stock’s The Book of Questions and invite you to ponder them along with me.

This week’s question is quite the doozy:

Have you had really satisfying sex within the last 3 months? What key ingredients make sex particularly satisfying for you?

Well, folks, buckle up because my answer might surprise you.

My (Non) Answer

I’ve got a confession to make that might seem unusual in our hyper-sexualized world: I’m a virgin. Yep, you read that right. So for me to pretend I’ve had any kind of sex, much less “really satisfying sex,” in the last 45 years would be… well, laughable.

On the plus side, I still don’t know what I’m missing! Silver linings, right?

It’s an interesting position to be in when faced with a question like this. It’s like being asked about your favorite dish at a restaurant you’ve never visited or what you thought about a movie you’ve never seen. I can theorize, I can imagine, but I have no practical experience to draw from.

The Broader Context

What I find fascinating about this question is how it highlights our assumptions about universal human experiences. We tend to assume everyone has had sex by a certain age, that everyone wants to have sex, and that everyone should be having “satisfying” sex as a normal part of adult life.

But human experience is wonderfully diverse. Some people, like me, haven’t had sex for various reasons—maybe by choice, maybe by circumstance, maybe a combination of factors that’s evolved over time. Others may be asexual and not experience sexual attraction at all. Still others might have had sex but found it overrated or simply not worth the complications it can bring.

What does “satisfying” even mean in this context? The question itself reveals cultural assumptions that satisfaction is the primary goal of sexual experiences. But people seek different things from intimacy—connection, validation, pleasure, procreation, or something else entirely.

What Makes Sex Satisfying (From What I’ve Heard)

While I can’t speak from personal experience, I’ve certainly been exposed to plenty of perspectives on what makes sex fulfilling through books, conversations, media, and educational materials. Common themes seem to include:

1. Emotional connection: Many people report that sex is most satisfying when there’s genuine emotional intimacy involved.
2. Communication: Being able to express desires, boundaries, and feedback seems crucial.
3. Comfort and trust: Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable appears to be a foundation for positive experiences.
4. Mutual enthusiasm: When both partners are genuinely invested in each other’s pleasure and participation.
5. Playfulness: A sense of fun and exploration rather than pressure or performance.

It’s worth noting that what constitutes “satisfying” varies enormously from person to person. Some prioritize physical pleasure, others emotional connection. Some value spontaneity, others careful planning. There’s no universal formula.

Living Without

There’s an interesting phenomenon where we tend to believe that people who haven’t experienced something we value must be suffering from its absence. But is that necessarily true?

Speaking personally, while I sometimes wonder what I’m missing, my life isn’t defined by this particular gap in my experience. I’ve found meaning, joy, and connection in other ways. I’ve built relationships, pursued passions, experienced adventures, and created a life that feels worthwhile on its own terms.

That’s not to say there aren’t moments of curiosity or wistfulness. Of course there are! But those moments don’t negate the value of the life I’ve built.

A Different Perspective on Intimacy

Perhaps what’s most interesting is considering how my perspective on intimacy has developed without the influence of sexual experience. Intimacy, after all, encompasses far more than just physical acts.

I’ve experienced the intimacy of deep conversations where someone trusts me with their vulnerable truths. I’ve known the intimacy of sitting in comfortable silence with someone I care about. I’ve felt the intimacy of shared laughter, of mutual understanding, of being truly seen by another person.

These experiences have shaped my understanding of human connection in ways that might be different from someone whose perspective includes sexual intimacy. Not better or worse—just different.

Why This Question Matters

Gregory Stock didn’t include this question in his book simply to inquire about people’s sex lives. Like all great questions, it invites reflection on deeper themes: pleasure, connection, satisfaction, expectations, and how we measure fulfillment in our lives.

Even for someone like me who can’t directly answer the question as intended, it prompts valuable contemplation. What does satisfaction mean to me? What kinds of connection do I value? How do I navigate living in a culture that often treats sexual experience as a given?

Your Turn

So, dear readers, what about you? If you’re comfortable sharing (and please only share what feels right for you), how would you answer Stock’s question? What makes intimacy satisfying in your experience? Or if you’re in a position similar to mine, how do you relate to questions like these?

Remember, there’s no “normal” when it comes to human experience. There’s just your experience, my experience, and the beautiful, complex variety of ways we all move through the world.

Until next week’s question!

Note: Comments are welcome, but please keep them respectful and considerate. This is a space for thoughtful reflection, not judgment.