Alternatively, this post could have been titled “Of All the Decisions I’ve Ever Made in My Life, I Question This the Most” or “Why I Clearly Hate Myself and Everything I Stand For.”
Let me set the scene for you:
It’s Tuesday at the office. We’re barrelling toward the end of the day at breakneck speeds. I’m enjoying a nice chat with Julie (with whom I share an office) and in walks Erin, talking about how she’ll be starting Whole30 the next day.
Part of the conversation involved the logic of starting on February 1 as opposed to February 2, simply because it’ll be easier to track if you start on the first of the month. I have to agree with that. But then I started asking questions.
CURSE MY CURIOSITY!!!
“Erin, what’s involved in this Whole30?” I foolishly asked.
“Well, it involves giving up every kind of delicious food and drink that you love in order to feel better about yourself next month! Do you want to do it, too?”
I’m paraphrasing, of course. What she actually said is probably a closer description of Whole30 based on what the website for this dietary phenomenon claims. I won’t quote any part of the actual website. There’s a lot of information over there. At the moment, I hate it all.
But here’s the gist… You stop eating anything that has anything to do with anything sweet. No added sugars. No sugar substitutes. No honey. No syrup. On top of those sweet items, you have to not eat anything dairy. No milk. No cheese. No yogurt. No Go-gurt! Also, no grains. No bread. No pasta. No tortillas. No oatmeal. Oh, and no legumes. But I’m okay with that. I’m not a fan of a legume.
The most difficult part, for me, is giving up soda. I know how horrible a sugary beverage is. I’ve seen the science. But they taste so good! And they have caffeine! I love caffeine!
Okay, I don’t love caffeine. But I’m addicted to it. How do I know that? Because it has zero affect on me whatsoever. I can drink a 20 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew and have no problem falling asleep, more often than not.
“Come on, A-a-ron! We’ll all do it together!” coaxed Erin, attempting to get more people to join her in her suffering. “As much time as we all spend together, at least we’ll all understand just how miserable we are!”
Yeah, that’s a good point. I guess. Julie began to waver. “But Valentine’s Day is coming up! Chocolate!”
“I don’t care about chocolate,” says I. And I really don’t. See item #40 on my About Me page.
I’m not sure how I came to the decision that I would go along with this thing. Really, the whole week since has been a blur. Caffeine withdrawals have been the cause of constant headaches. It feels like a large spider has lain eggs inside my brain.
My mood may have been affected, as well. Yesterday, at the office, I brought up the picture of Beyonce announcing her pregnancy with twins. A lot of us in the office don’t necessarily keep our fingers on the pulse of pop culture, but I was curious as to whether or not anyone else saw this thing. I insisted that Erin pull up the image on her phone. And then my rant began.
“What is that?!” I yelled. Jeff recoiled somewhat when he looked at the picture. “That is the kind of thing you expect to see on a Buzzfeed list of bad family portraits! All day yesterday, I didn’t see a negative comment about this picture on the internet at all! Why? Because it’s friggin’ Beyonce?! No! I don’t care! It still looks like a trashy family picture from the 80s!”
Megan just looked at me. “A-a-ron, you need to get some sugar, stat.”
Maybe I do. But I’m pretty sure I’d still have that same opinion about that picture whether I was doing Whole30 or not, and I don’t care who knows it!
We’re on day three. I am fighting the urge to either walk into the grocery store and chug a 2-liter Coke without paying for it and just straight up back-handing someone who asks me how I’m feeling.
I’m an adult. This was my choice. I can quit if I want to quit. But I won’t. I don’t know why I won’t. But I won’t. I’m committed. I should be committed. To a psychiatric hospital. Where I’m sure they’ll at least let me have Jell-o.
I try to tell myself that this will really make me feel better. Because I know people who have done it recently and have experienced the benefits of completing the Whole30 thing. They have more energy. They sleep better at night. They’re not sluggish when they wake up in the morning. They lost weight. I’m sure there are other benefits, but these are the ones that I’m hoping for.
But I have to ask, will I be miserable for the entire 30 days? Is this just the part where I’m getting past caffeine and sugar addiction? Right now, I’m kind of thinking I’ll use my extra energy to punch a hole in the wall.