I know.

You just read that title and thought, “This guy’s such a Grinch!” But I’m really not. I love Christmas. I might not get as into the holiday spirit as a lot of people do, but I certainly don’t sit around thinking of ways to ruin Christmas for everyone around me.

There are just some things about this season that get slightly under my skin. After reading, if you still think of me as this century’s answer to an unwealthy Ebenezer Scrooge, you are entitled to that opinion.

And feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. For now, here are mine…

1. Early Christmas Carols – Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas carols. Someone who loves music and love sot sing as much as I do can’t help but enjoy a Christmas song from time to time. My problem comes when your local radio stations begin playing those Christmas songs at the beginning of November. And they play them non-stop. The thing is, those radio stations only have the rights to so many songs. On top of that, there are only so many different versions of those few Christmas songs. So you end up hearing the same 20 songs over and over again for approximately 55 days. If that doesn’t drive you just a little crazy, number two might.
2. Retail Stores – This one might just be because I used to work in a retail store. I would love for someone to explain to me why they felt (and I assume still feel) the need to, throughout the entire month of December, stay open until midnight. Every night. I get that stores are busier, what with people buying Christmas gifts and all. But do stores stay busy past a certain time? Absolutely not. Most nights, we never saw a single customer in the last two hours that we were open. And when we did, it was the family that decided to bring their 3-year-old twins to get all of their Christmas shopping done at 11:00 p.m. Yes, we talked about you while you were shopping. It’s because we were angry at you and judged you as parents.
3. Empty Threats – This is where I talk about Santa Claus. This time of year, parents love to use the “Santa is watching” thing when their kids’ behavior is getting out of hand. It’s an easy cop out kind of threat. The implication is that if the child doesn’t behave, he or she could end up on the naughty list and, by extension, receive nothing for Christmas. But where’s the follow through? I know there have got to be a lot of children out there who don’t care about how badly they misbehave, but they still receive a ridiculous amount of presents on Christmas morning. I know these children exist because I used to see them every day in my job as an elementary school counselor. Parents, I’d like to hear from any of you whose children have been “naughty” and actually received coal… or nothing… on Christmas day.
4. Decorating Vehicles as Reindeer – I might get a lot of flack for this one. Sorry, I just don’t see the point in installing fake antlers on the roof and attaching a big red ball to the grill. Related: dressing pets up in Christmas attire. Also related: dressing pets up in any attire at any time of the year.
5. Christmas Shoes – I really don’t think I need to elaborate on this one. I just… don’t. Okay?