How do you picture your funeral? Is it important for you to have people mourn your death?

Think, Michael Jackson’s televised memorial service, times infinity. Yeah, that’s how my funeral should go. I know this doesn’t exactly carry the weight of a last will and testament, but these are my wishes. Please, respect them. I would like a choir of whistlers to whistle a jaunty tune. It must be in harmony. I prefer “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas.

I will be cremated, therefore I will have no need for pallbearers. However, during the service, I would like a line to form for people to come up and rub the urn containing my remains for good luck. I would like my friend Nicole to choose who is worthy to rub the urn. There will be those she deems unworthy. Those people must return to their seats and get over themselves.

I have chosen several people to eulogize me, one from each chapter of my life. From my childhood, my childhood best friend Justin. From the high school years, my oldest friend Jessica. From the college years, I refuse to choose a single person. I have too many friends that I still keep in touch with from those days. Therefore, as a part of the service, there will be a Thunderdome style battle royale. Any of my friends from Bluefield College are welcome to throw their hat into the ring. The winner of this fight will deliver the third eulogy of the day. The fourth eulogy will be delivered by Nicole, if she isn’t too worn out from selecting people to rub the urn. The final eulogy will be delivered by my pastor and friend, Jeff. Of course, there is the possibility of more eulogies, depending on where life leads me between my time in Blacksburg and my death. I must assume that I have many years ahead of me. So perhaps I should go ahead and say that my next eulogy would be delivered by the person I select as my running mate when I run for president. I’m sure that, whoever he or she may be will be a fantastic public speaker.

As far as a location for the service, I think the most appropriate venue would have to be the Bristol Motor Speedway. I know that’s not exactly near where I currently live, but it’s not too shabby. And if they can pack 150,000 people in there for a football game, then it should be large enough for my purposes. There must also be a laser show. And fireworks. And an anti-gravity machine.

*The Question of the Week can be found in The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.