In what ways will you treat your children differently from how your parents treated you? If you’ve already raised children and could do it again knowing what you know now, what would you change?
The Legacy of Parenting
It’s fascinating how the question of parenting consistently evokes deep reflection, regardless of whether we have children of our own. This week’s question from Gregory Stock’s thought-provoking book, The Book of Questions, invites us to examine the parenting we received and consider how we might approach raising children ourselves—either hypothetically or based on actual experience.
As someone who doesn’t have children nor plans to have them, my perspective comes from the vantage point of a child who has observed parenting rather than practiced it. This creates an interesting opportunity to reflect on what I valued in my upbringing and what I might hypothetically do differently, without the weathering influences of actual parenting challenges.
A Foundation of Unconditional Love
When I look back at my childhood, I’m struck by how fortunate I was. My parents excelled at communicating unconditional love—that fundamental security that I believe forms the bedrock of healthy development. They never made their love contingent on achievement, behavior, or conformity to their expectations. Instead, they created a safe harbor where I knew I belonged, regardless of my mistakes or shortcomings.
This unconditional love didn’t mean unbounded permissiveness, however. My parents were adept at setting clear boundaries and implementing effective discipline when those boundaries were crossed. There’s a delicate balance between loving acceptance and appropriate correction that they navigated remarkably well.
If I were to become a parent, this foundation of unconditional love coupled with clear boundaries would be something I’d strive to maintain. The security of knowing you’re loved no matter what provides children with the confidence to explore, take risks, and develop their own identity.
The Imperfect Parent
One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me was their honesty about their own imperfections. They never pretended to have all the answers or to be infallible. When they made mistakes—as all parents inevitably do—they acknowledged them, apologized when appropriate, and demonstrated how to learn and grow from those errors.
This transparency about their own humanity taught me several valuable lessons:
- Perfection isn’t the goal; growth and learning are.
- Vulnerability and honesty strengthen relationships rather than weaken them.
- Apologizing and taking responsibility are signs of strength, not weakness.
In hypothetical parenting, I would embrace this approach wholeheartedly. The pressure to be a perfect parent seems not only unattainable but potentially harmful. Children don’t need perfect parents; they need authentic ones who model how to navigate life’s complexities with grace and humility.
Faith as a Guiding Light
My Christian faith has profoundly shaped my worldview, and I believe the Bible offers rich wisdom for parenting. If I were to raise children, I would want to incorporate Biblical teachings not as rigid dogma, but as a source of timeless wisdom about character, compassion, and community.
I’ve observed how the church can serve as an extended family for children, providing additional mentors, friends, and support systems beyond the nuclear family. This community aspect of faith offers children diverse role models and a sense of belonging to something larger than themselves.
What I might do differently from my parents is to encourage even more critical thinking about faith from an early age. While maintaining the foundation of Christian values, I would want my hypothetical children to understand why we believe what we believe, to wrestle with difficult questions, and to own their faith journey rather than simply inheriting mine.
Nurturing Moral Intuition
I firmly believe in our innate sense of right and wrong—that mysterious moral compass that seems hardwired into human consciousness. My parents did well in cultivating this innate sense, helping me recognize and respond to that internal nudging toward good and away from harm.
If I were raising children, I would place even greater emphasis on developing this moral intuition. Rather than relying solely on rules and consequences, I would want to engage children in meaningful conversations about ethical dilemmas, help them identify and articulate their own moral reasoning, and encourage them to listen to their conscience.
This approach acknowledges children as moral agents in their own right, capable of discerning good from evil with guidance rather than mere instruction. The goal would be to raise children who do the right thing not because they fear punishment or seek reward, but because they have developed an internal moral framework that guides their choices.
The Digital Dimension
One area where my hypothetical parenting would necessarily differ from my parents’ approach involves technology and digital media. Growing up in a different era, my parents didn’t have to navigate screen time limits, social media pressures, or online safety concerns in the way today’s parents must.
If I were raising children now, I would need to develop thoughtful strategies for helping them build a healthy relationship with technology. This might involve:
- Creating tech-free zones and times in our home
- Modeling appropriate technology use myself
- Teaching critical media literacy skills from an early age
- Fostering face-to-face social skills alongside digital communication
- Being vigilant about online safety while respecting appropriate privacy
The challenge would be finding the balance between protecting children from technology’s pitfalls while preparing them to use these tools responsibly in a digital world.
Embracing Emotional Intelligence
While my parents were loving and supportive, they grew up in a generation that didn’t emphasize emotional intelligence in the way we understand it today. If I were parenting, I would place greater emphasis on helping children identify, express, and manage their emotions effectively.
This would involve:
- Validating feelings while still addressing problematic behaviors
- Teaching emotional vocabulary beyond “happy,” “sad,” and “angry”
- Modeling healthy emotional expression and regulation
- Creating space for processing difficult emotions rather than dismissing them
- Helping children understand the connection between feelings, thoughts, and actions
Emotional intelligence serves children not only in their personal development but in nearly every aspect of life, from academic success to career advancement to relationship satisfaction.
The Gift of Autonomy
One parenting approach I’ve observed that resonates with me is allowing children appropriate autonomy from an early age. While my parents did well in many areas, I might offer even more opportunities for independent decision-making within safe boundaries.
Children who practice making choices and experiencing their natural consequences (within reason) develop better judgment over time. If I were parenting, I’d look for age-appropriate ways for children to exercise this autonomy:
- Allowing them to choose from acceptable options
- Giving them responsibilities they can manage
- Respecting their preferences when possible
- Involving them in family decisions when appropriate
- Gradually expanding their freedom as they demonstrate responsibility
This approach honors children’s developing personhood while guiding them toward wise decision-making.
Embracing Difference and Diversity
Our world continues to grow more diverse and interconnected. If I were raising children today, I would place even greater emphasis than my parents did on exposing them to different cultures, perspectives, and experiences.
This might involve:
- Seeking out diverse books, media, and cultural experiences
- Encouraging friendships with children from different backgrounds
- Addressing prejudice and bias directly when it appears
- Teaching the value of different perspectives and approaches
- Modeling curiosity and respect toward those who differ from us
Children raised with this mindset are better prepared to navigate and contribute positively to our pluralistic society.
Parenting Without Parenting
Perhaps the most interesting aspect of this question for me is considering how these parenting reflections might apply to my life even without children of my own. Many of these principles—unconditional love, clear boundaries, emotional intelligence, moral development—apply to any meaningful relationship.
As an aunt, friend, community member, and citizen, I can still contribute to the well-being of the next generation. I can offer support to the parents in my life, be a positive influence on the children I encounter, and help create communities where children thrive.
In this way, the question of how I would parent differently from my own parents isn’t purely hypothetical. It informs how I relate to others and contribute to our collective responsibility for raising the next generation.
Honoring While Evolving
In reflecting on how I might parent differently from my own parents, I’m struck by how much I would maintain rather than change. The foundation they provided—unconditional love, clear boundaries, faith, moral guidance, and honesty about their own imperfections—serves as a template I would gladly follow.
The differences would largely reflect the changing times, evolving understanding of child development, and my own unique perspective. This is the natural progression of parenting across generations—honoring what came before while adapting to new contexts and insights.
Perhaps the greatest gift my parents gave me was a childhood good enough that I would want to replicate much of it. Their best, while not perfect, was indeed very good. And in the end, isn’t that what we all hope to provide for the next generation, whether as parents or as contributors to the wider community that helps raise them?
What about you? How would you parent differently from your own upbringing? I’d love to hear your reflections in the comments below.
This post is part of my weekly series exploring thought-provoking questions. Each week, I select a question from Gregory Stock’s “The Book of Questions” and share my personal reflections. Join the conversation in the comments section!
Feature Photo by Alex P
The Confusing Middle 