Jaws: The Revenge

1987

Directed by Joseph Sargent

Welcome to Movie Monday, fellow film aficionados! Today, we’re diving deep into the murky waters of cinematic disasters as we continue our journey through my personal list of the 100 worst movies I’ve ever seen. Remember, this list is based solely on my opinion, so your mileage may vary. You might even find yourself defending today’s feature with the passion of a great white defending its territory. Speaking of which, let’s sink our teeth into number 75 on the list: the 1987 horror film that should have stayed submerged – Jaws: The Revenge.

Ah, Jaws: The Revenge. Where do we even begin with this shipwreck of a movie? Picture this: you’re a shark, minding your own business in the vast ocean, when suddenly you decide, “You know what? I’m going to target one specific family and seek vengeance upon them.” Because that’s totally what sharks do, right? They’re basically the John Wick of the sea, except instead of a pencil, they have rows of razor-sharp teeth and… a really good memory, apparently?

But wait, it gets better. This isn’t just any shark – it’s a shark with a voice box. That’s right, folks. In what can only be described as a moment of pure cinematic genius (and by genius, I mean absolute lunacy), the shark in Jaws: The Revenge doesn’t just silently stalk its prey. Oh no, it announces its presence with a mighty roar. Because nothing says “apex predator of the deep” quite like sounding like a wet lion with anger management issues.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the tagline for this film: “This time, it’s personal.” I’m sorry, but when did it become impersonal? Was the first Jaws just a big misunderstanding? Did the shark in Jaws 2 leave a polite note apologizing for the inconvenience? The absurdity of this premise is enough to make you wonder if the screenwriters were suffering from severe decompression sickness when they came up with it.

Now, you might be thinking, “Surely, with such a ridiculous concept, they at least got some D-list actors to star in this, right?” Wrong. In a twist that continues to baffle film historians and probably Michael Caine himself, the esteemed Oscar-winning actor appears in this film. Yes, the same Michael Caine who gave us unforgettable performances in The Italian Job, Alfie, and The Dark Knight decided that what his career really needed was a vengeful shark. One can only imagine the conversation with his agent:

Agent: “Michael, I’ve got a script for you. It’s about a shark seeking revenge on a specific family.”
Caine: “Sounds absolutely rubbish. I’m in.”

To be fair to Caine, he later admitted he had never seen the finished film but had seen the house it built, and it was “terrific.” At least someone got something positive out of this disaster.

The plot, if we can dignify it with such a term, revolves around Ellen Brody, the widow of Chief Brody from the original Jaws. Ellen is convinced that a great white shark is hunting her family for revenge. Because that’s totally how marine biology works. The shark follows the Brody family from Amity Island to the Bahamas, covering nearly 1,200 miles in about three days. Apparently, this shark not only has a vendetta and a roar but also a built-in GPS and jet propulsion.

But let’s not forget the real star of the show – the shark itself. The special effects in Jaws: The Revenge make the original 1975 Jaws look like a cutting-edge nature documentary. The mechanical shark in this film is about as convincing as a pool float with teeth drawn on it. There are moments when you can practically see the gears turning (and probably the interns frantically pumping the hydraulics off-screen).

One of the most infamous scenes involves the shark not only leaping out of the water (a feat that would make Olympic high divers jealous) but also standing on its tail like some sort of aquatic circus performer. It’s a moment so profoundly silly that it transcends bad special effects and enters the realm of abstract art. Picasso would be proud.

The dialogue in the film is a treasure trove of unintentional comedy. Characters say things like, “Sharks don’t take things personally!” with the kind of conviction usually reserved for declaring the Earth is flat. It’s as if the writers were determined to make sure the audience understood just how absurd the premise was, just in case the roaring, revenge-seeking shark hadn’t made that clear enough.

Now, you might be wondering, “How does this compare to the other Jaws movies?” Well, let me put it this way: Jaws: The Revenge makes Jaws 3-D look like Citizen Kane. The original Jaws is a masterpiece of tension and suspense, a brilliant piece of cinematic history that still holds up today. Even Jaws 2, while not reaching the heights of its predecessor, is a competent thriller. Jaws 3-D is… well, it’s a movie that exists. But Jaws: The Revenge is in a league of its own, a film so bad it’s almost impressive.

If you’re in the mood for a good shark movie after this debacle, you’ve got options. Obviously, the original Jaws is always worth a rewatch. But if you’re looking for something more recent, Deep Blue Sea offers genetically enhanced super-sharks and LL Cool J quoting his own rap lyrics. Or, for some over-the-top aquatic action, The Meg gives us Jason Statham fighting a prehistoric megalodon. Both are silly, but in a fun way, not in a “I feel personally offended by how bad this is” way.

In conclusion, Jaws: The Revenge is a film that defies logic, good taste, and basic marine biology. It’s a movie so bad that it almost circles back around to good, but then remembers its mission and dives straight back into the depths of awfulness. It’s the kind of film that makes you question not just the filmmakers’ decisions, but your own life choices that led you to watching it.

But hey, at least it gave us the gift of imagining a shark roaring like a lion. And if that doesn’t sum up everything wrong with this movie, I don’t know what does.

So, dear readers, have you had the pleasure (or should I say, the pain) of watching Jaws: The Revenge? Do you think I’m being too harsh, or not harsh enough? And more importantly, what’s your favorite “so bad it’s good” shark movie? Let me know in the comments below!

Until next time, remember: in the grand ocean of cinema, sometimes you’re the shark, and sometimes you’re the chum. Today, we were definitely the chum.