From Gregory Stock’s The Book of Questions: At a meal, some people you know start belittling a common acquaintance. Would you stand up for the person if you felt the criticisms were unjustified?

We’ve all been there, sitting around the dinner table or at a gathering with friends, when the conversation takes an uncomfortable turn. Someone starts criticizing or belittling a mutual acquaintance who isn’t present to defend themselves. The criticisms seem unfair and unjustified to you. What do you do? Do you sit there awkwardly, or do you speak up and defend the absent party?

I’d like to think that I would have the courage and integrity to stand up for my absent friend in this situation. After all, isn’t that what friends are for? To have each other’s backs, even when it’s not the easy thing to do? Sure, it might make for an uncomfortable moment or two, but in the long run, I believe it’s the right thing to do.

Now, I’m not saying we should start a big confrontation or lecture everyone at the table. That rarely goes well. Trust me, I’ve tried it. It usually ends with me getting defensive, the critics doubling down, and everyone feeling more annoyed than enlightened. Not exactly a win-win.

Instead, I think the key is to speak up calmly and diplomatically. Something like, “Hey, I know Jane isn’t here to defend herself, but I’m not sure that’s a fair characterization of her. In my experience, she’s always been kind and reliable.” Or, “I haven’t seen the behavior you’re describing from Joe. Maybe there’s more to the story that we don’t know.”

The goal isn’t to start a fight or to make anyone feel attacked. It’s simply to offer a different perspective and to remind everyone that it’s not cool to bash someone who can’t defend themselves. It’s about standing up for what’s right, even in a small way.

Of course, this is easier said than done. It takes a certain amount of guts to go against the grain and to risk being seen as the “uncool” one who can’t take a joke. But in my opinion, that’s a small price to pay for being a good friend and a person of integrity.

But hey, that’s just my two cents. I’m curious to hear what you all think. Would you speak up in this situation? Have you ever been in a similar position? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments below. And try to be nice, okay? We’re all friends here… even if some of us aren’t in the room.

Feature Photo by fauxels