Welcome back to Bloganuary, the daily encouragement from WordPress for bloggers to post something each day. If you want to participate in Bloganuary, just click here! Today’s prompt asks: What is your favorite part about yourself?

I apologize for the language I’m about to use, because I don’t usually swear on this blog. Occasionally I’ll go PG in a post or two, but the word I’m thinking of is more of a PG-13 kind of word. You definitely can’t get away with it on network television.

Anyway, what has been with the prompts from Bloganuary this week? I feel like every one of them has been aimed solely at individuals who basically have their shit together. And, I don’t mean to offend those who have had no problems responding to this week’s prompts and still don’t feel like you have your shit together. But from where I sit, as someone who knows I don’t have my shit together, I just don’t know how to answer these prompts…

Okay… I just looked back and realize I’m absolutely exaggerating by saying this week’s prompts have been difficult for me to answer. I think I’m combining yesterday and today’s prompts with that one from earlier in the month that asks about who inspires me or the one that tried to get me to list five things I’m grateful for. I’m just remembering those as super positive and cheerful and I wasn’t feeling it and I’m magnifying them inside my head.

What is my favorite part about myself?

I don’t know. I hate myself most of the time. I definitely don’t like myself. I hate my work. I hate what my work has turned me into. I hate that the people I work with every day have caused me to become so jaded and spiteful and devoid of compassion and empathy toward others.

From the outside looking in, you might be tempted to tell me that I’m choosing to be devoid of compassion and empathy toward others. That I’m choosing to be jaded and spiteful. It isn’t anyone’s fault but mine. Right… Because I’d be tempted to say that to someone in my shoes. You know, if I actually had my shit together and felt optimistic about the world around me and the individuals with whom I work. Sure, I have that choice. I have chosen to be jaded and cynical and spiteful and hateful. But it isn’t a choice I made before recent months as my career has taken its toll on me.

I have no favorite part of myself. Physically, I’m a mess. I’m overweight. I get winded just walking upstairs from the lobby. Mentally, I’m depressed and filled with dread every time I face a new day and am forced to leave my apartment to deal with people for the next 6-8 hours. Emotionally, same. Spiritually… If you told me I still possess a soul, I might laugh, because I really feel like it’s been sucked out of my body and I am a dead shell just walking around and going through the motions.

If tomorrow’s prompt asks what makes you smile? or list five things that make you happy I’m going to punch someone in the face.