I’ve been in a Deep Thoughts kind of mood lately. I’m sure there will be a lot of readers out there who have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m referring to Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts were a common segment found on Saturday Night Live back in the 90’s. They’re the kind of thing that you either think are hilarious or stupid. It’s definitely a twisted kind of humor.

In college, my choir director, Chris Sheppard, had the amazing ability to quote many of the Deep Thoughts verbatim without so much as cracking a smile. The man had a gift. Even now, I read some of them and can’t help but crack up. I think it’s because my overactive imagination puts the images in my head and makes them even funnier. So that’s what I’m posting, some of my favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
• As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch For Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch For Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was just a joke–just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
• If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.
• Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.
• I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
• When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
• To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go. Because, man, they’re gone.
• If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
• Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.
• It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
• As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
• During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor just because you were “just going down to the corner.”
• Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better and no harm done.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school, we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

And my absolute favorite…

• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Did I leave out any of your favorite Deep Thoughts? Let me know if you even remember these down in the comments!