Kids… You know how Facebook has made it so you can buy and sell things to and from other people who are also on Facebook? Well, late last week, I came across an ad from a local seller that I found both terrifying and a little entertaining.
This was the picture that greeted my eyes when I scrolled through my feed. It’s as if Zuckerberg himself knew that this picture would be enough to serve as nightmare fuel for weeks to come.
However, I must say, I find clowns to be much less terrifying in pictures or when captured on video. I mean, sure, they’ll still mess with my mind on a subconscious level… maybe I’ll have a dream where a clown will make a frightening cameo appearance. But even then, I wouldn’t call those dreams nightmares.
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had what I would consider a true nightmare.
Anyway… Clowns seem to be everywhere right now. With Warner Bros. making bank with It: Chapter 2 and Joker, pop culture has seen an influx of painted faces and floppy shoes and creepy laughs.
Remember that trend of idiots dressing up as clowns only for the purposes of scaring people in random public places? If you don’t remember, just do a quick search on YouTube… that’ll jog your memory. But most of those videos show people driving along and either passing by a somewhat innocuous if creepy clown on the side of the road or they show a clown that is straight up chasing after them with some kind of weapon in hand. And these fools just get scared and drive away.
If it were me, I’m fairly certain I’d have very little problem with aiming my car right at these demons in human form. Especially if they’re coming at me with a chainsaw or giant mallet. I guess that’s where people differ in the fight or flight mechanism.
I’ve gotten off topic. Because this isn’t about creepy clowns capitalizing on the popularity of violent clowns in cinema. This is about creepy clowns being sold by a sweet old lady in a nearby town.
I took a screenshot and posted it to my Instagram account. I did this because I thought my caption was funny and I hoped other people would think it was funny, too. I said I was tempted to contact the seller with two questions. First, are these clowns evil and/or demon possessed? Second, will they attempt to murder me in my sleep?
My coworker and fellow counselor, my co-counsel if you will (I know that’s not correct terminology regarding what we do, but it kind of makes me feel like we’re lawyers and maybe they’ll decide to pay us more if that’s the mindset we have), she saw my post to Instagram and told me I should buy them for our office.
I wasn’t sure if she was being serious or not. But, hey, it would only cost five dollars for the pair of them. And since I would be close by where the seller lived, I figured, why not?
Because clown dolls are obviously evil and this is how horror movies begin!
I quieted that little voice in my head and reached out to the seller. We made a plan to meet at her house where I would hand over five bucks and she would hand over the clowns.
Of course, meeting this woman at her home opened up a whole new can of horror movie worms. How did I know she wasn’t a serial killer who lured people to their deaths with the promise of creepy clown dolls?
Now… obviously… I survived the encounter. She was actually a very sweet older lady with a very sweet dog who greeted me when I knocked on the door. I exchanged my cash for her clowns and returned to my car.
I put the clowns in the trunk. Because there was no way I was going to keep them in the car with me between picking them up and getting them back to work this week. No reason to give them a chance to strangle me from the backseat while I was driving, right?
Then again, it did cross my mind that they could figure out how to sneak out of the trunk and cut the brake lines. But that didn’t happen, either.
In fact, thus far, the creepy clowns have shown no evidence that they are alive or possessed by a supernatural entity of any kind.
I have thought about the kind of fun we could have with these dolls, though. Like… say I stand one up in the hallway at my apartment building. Someone comes around the corner and SURPRISE! Creepy clown staring you down. Unfortunately, there are security cameras all over my building, so they’d know it was me that set up the doll. I’m still new to the building. I don’t need to get in trouble for practical jokes just yet.