Becoming Invisible

I think I’m phasing out of existence. Maybe not out of existence. Maybe I’m just phasing out of the visible spectrum. I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately with automatic sliding doors.

I’m sure you know the ones I’m talking about. You go to the grocery store and you don’t have to do any work to walk inside. The door just opens for you. It senses your presence and welcomes you inside. I’d like to say these doors have only ignored me on one occasion, but once would be a blessing. It’s happening more and more lately.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve nearly run into the door at Wal-Mart. That would be incredibly embarrassing if it were to happen. I’m just walking, trying to exit the store. I’m not running toward the door. I’m just walking. I’m sure I’m walking faster than the average Wal-Mart shopper, but I’m fairly certain I’m walking at an average pace for a human being. I force myself to stop within an inch of slamming into the glass. Then I have to wait for roughly a second before the door decides to slide open.

If it was just at Wal-Mart, I probably wouldn’t be too concerned. I could just assume they have a faulty mechanism. Although I have seen the door open for other customers without hesitation. A couple weeks ago, it happened to me at Best Buy. The only logical explanation? I’m turning invisible. Or maybe I’m putting off some kind of electromagnetic field that acts as interference for motion sensors. If that’s the case, I obviously have super powers.

I’m sure that, by posting this little story, I leave myself open to ridicule. People will accuse me of the same kind of idiocy that I often saw in customers of the bank where I worked in Raleigh. It’s been a long time since I wrote about it, but on a daily basis, people would come into the bank by manually pulling the door open, then they would forget that they had to do the work to get out. Somewhere in the span of 5 to 10 minutes while they made their deposits, they forgot that our front door wasn’t automatic.

simpsons-automatic-doorI can promise you that I’m not making that kind of mistake. The doors that are not opening for me are genuinely automatic doors. I almost caused someone to run into me when I stopped in front of an automatic door at the grocery store the other day. It’s becoming problematic.

Sadly, the only scenario in which I can think of this new super power becoming of value is if I use my power for evil. If I’m not being picked up by motion sensors, that means I could make a pretty decent cat burglar. I’m not saying that’s a path I want to go down at this juncture. I’m just putting it out there as a possibility. What else is the invisible man good for?

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