The following tale is based on actual events which occurred several years ago…

Over the last few days, I’ve posted some fairly serious content here. While it’s not necessarily out of character for me to post something that’s of a serious nature, it is a bit odd that I’ve done it for several consecutive days. So I think we’re overdue for something a little more lighthearted.

Once upon a time, I made a trip to Lynchburg. Why would I do such a thing? Because, at the time, Roanoke didn’t have a Kohl’s yet.

I needed to buy some shirts for work and, since I didn’t have any real money, I needed to use my Kohl’s charge card. That’s right, I have a charge card for a clothing store. But I’m very responsible with it. Always make the payments on time. Only use it in times of great need. Like that time I really needed that new pair of Chucks.

Anyway, on my way back to Roanoke (where I was living at this period of my life), I came across a turtle attempting to cross the road. There wasn’t much traffic, so I decided to pull over and give the little guy a hand across the street. After all, I didn’t want the turtle to get hit by a car and end up shell shocked.

Get it? Shell shocked? This is why I need a drummer to follow me around wherever I got so I can get a rimshot every time it’s needed.I approached the turtle and saw that it probably didn’t need much help. That turtle was really truckin’ across the pavement. But I reached down and picked it up anyway.

As I made my way across the street with the turtle in my hands, the hard shelled reptile’s legs kept kicking, as if it was fighting its predicament. Its head moved back and forth and its tiny mouth opened and closed violently. I couldn’t be sure, but I think the turtle may have been trying to bite me.“Why are you fighting me on this?” I screamed, “I’m trying to help you!”

Within seconds, I reached the other side of the road and gently placed the turtle down in this grass. Without so much as a thank you, the turtle charged off away from the road and from the good Samaritan who was willing to pull over to help it.

I never even got a thank you card. I mean, talk about cold blooded.

Get it? Cold blooded? Man, I am killin’ it!