Welcome to a series of stories that basically make up my autobiography. It’s not entirely thorough, but I’ll do the best I can with the memories locked away inside my head. Could be therapeutic for me. Could be humorous for you. Either way, enjoy…
Previously on Life Story… Mom went into labor and was forced to miss one of her favorite TV shows.
In another tale of life before I was born, she was quickly able to get some sense of revenge. She says it was all an accident, but we know the truth.
She’s in labor and the doctors are having a difficult time reading my heart rate. So they inserted what is known as a fetal monitor. Maybe it’s just because I’m a guy, but knowing how this is done just seems pretty invasive. ‘Cause I was still in the womb when they screwed this thing into the top of my head. Are we all equally freaked out? Okay, good.
Well, the time came for delivery. And back in those days, you had your labor room, and you had your delivery room. Mom had to move from one to the other. In order to do this, she had to get herself off her bed and onto a gurney. When she stepped down, she hit the floor, but caught the fetal monitor cord in the process. the force of which yanked the thing out of my head.
Ladies and gentlemen of the interweb, I have a permanent bald spot where the fetal monitor was once attached. I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually seen it since it’s at the top of my head, and my eyes cannot be removed from their sockets. But, throughout my life, the parents, the sister, and others, have freely pointed it out and mocked me for it.So I caused my mother to miss her very special Eight Is Enough, but she caused me to never have a full head of hair. Can we just call it even now?