Welcome back to Rewatching Smallville, my weekly dive into the iconic series that explores Clark Kent’s journey before becoming Superman. Whether you’re a long-time fan or new to the show, you’re invited to join in each Tuesday as I revisit episodes and share my thoughts and observations. Be sure to share your own memories and theories in the comments below!

Ah, high school. A time of awkward growth, unrequited crushes, and the occasional shapeshifting psychopath hellbent on stealing your identity. At least, that’s how it goes in Smallville, Kansas, home of our favorite future Man of Steel.

In the 32nd episode of Smallville, titled “Visage,” we’re treated to a delightful cocktail of teen angst, alien mysteries, and the kind of identity theft that would make even the most hardened cybercriminal say, “Whoa, that’s a bit much.” Let’s dive into this episode that aired way back on January 14, 2003, when flip phones were all the rage and the idea of a cinematic superhero universe was but a glimmer in Kevin Feige’s eye.

The Plot Thickens… Like Really Thick Oatmeal

Our episode kicks off with Clark Kent, boy scout extraordinaire, helping Lana Lang fix a leaky pipe in her apartment. Because nothing says “future Superman” like amateur plumbing. Of course, Clark cheats a little by using his heat vision, but hey, a hero’s gotta do what a hero’s gotta do.

Meanwhile, in a jungle far, far away (Indonesia, to be precise), we see Whitney Fordman, Lana’s ex-boyfriend and Smallville High’s former quarterback, trudging through a war zone with his fellow Marines. It’s all very dramatic and heroic until Whitney apparently gets blown to smithereens. Or does he? (Spoiler alert: He doesn’t, but also… he does? It’s complicated.)

Back in Smallville, everyone’s favorite brooding billionaire, Lex Luthor, is having girlfriend troubles. Because when you’re a Luthor, trust issues come as standard as a receding hairline. Lex confronts his girlfriend, Dr. Helen Bryce, about some cozy photos of her with his father, Lionel. It’s like a soap opera, but with more baldness and expensive scotch.

The Return of the Prodigal Jock

Just as Clark is about to ask Lana to the winter festival (because small towns and their festivals, am I right?), who should walk through the school doors but Whitney himself. Cue the dramatic music and Clark’s crestfallen puppy dog eyes.

But something’s not quite right with our returned hero. He’s acting strange, tearing bathroom stalls off their hinges, and generally being a bit of a jerk. Clark, with his impeccable “something’s not right” sense (which is basically his real superpower at this point), starts to suspect that this Whitney might be as genuine as a three-dollar bill.

The Big Reveal: It’s Tina Time!

In a twist that surprises absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, it turns out that “Whitney” is actually Tina Greer, the shapeshifting meteor freak from season one. Because in Smallville, if someone returns from the dead, chances are they’re either a clone, a shapeshifter, or just very, very lost.

Tina, it seems, has a bit of an obsession with Lana. And by “a bit,” I mean the kind of obsession that makes you murder a Marine officer, terrorize a grieving mother, and try to steal your crush’s boyfriend’s identity. You know, typical high school stuff.

Clark vs. Clark: The Ultimate Showdown

The episode culminates in a fight between Clark and Tina-as-Clark, which is about as confusing as it sounds. It’s like watching someone shadowbox, but with more property damage. The real Clark eventually wins (shocker), but not before Tina-as-Clark manages to throw Lana across a room and generally wreak havoc on the Talon’s insurance premiums.

Meanwhile, in Lex Land…

While all this identity crisis madness is going down, Lex is busy learning a valuable lesson about trust. And by “learning a valuable lesson,” I mean he’s groveling to Dr. Bryce and begging her not to leave him. Because nothing says “future supervillain” like deep-seated abandonment issues.

The Spaceship Ex Machina

In a moment that screams “we need to move the plot along,” Clark’s mysterious alien spaceship suddenly activates and neutralizes the kryptonite necklace that Tina-as-Whitney had used to subdue him. It’s a bit of a deus ex machina, or should we say “nave spatialis ex machina”? (That’s “spaceship from the machine” for those of us who didn’t waste four years on Latin classes.)

Wrapping Up with a Bow (and Some Tears)

The episode ends with Clark and Lana having a heart-to-heart in the Kawatche caves. Lana cries about how everyone she gets close to leaves her (um, have you considered that maybe it’s you, Lana?), and Clark comforts her, probably while internally screaming about how he can never tell her his secret.

Episode MVP: Lizzy Caplan as Tina Greer

While the writing for Tina’s character might not be Shakespeare, Lizzy Caplan deserves a shoutout for her performance. Playing a character pretending to be other characters is no easy feat, and Caplan manages to bring a manic energy to Tina that’s both unsettling and oddly compelling. It’s almost enough to make you forget that her entire plan makes about as much sense as wearing a lead suit to a swimming competition.

The Good, The Bad, and The Kryptonian

The Good:

• Michael Rosenbaum continues to shine as Lex Luthor, bringing depth to a character that could easily be a one-note rich boy with daddy issues.
• The slight improvement in the shapeshifting special effects. Baby steps, folks.
• The unintentional comedy of Clark’s red jacket/blue shirt combo, which apparently becomes his signature “blend in” outfit in later seasons. Because nothing says “inconspicuous” like dressing like a walking American flag.

The Bad:

• The writing for Lana’s character. At this point, her inability to see Clark for who he is becomes less endearing and more frustrating.
• The convenience of the spaceship’s sudden activation. It’s almost as if the writers painted themselves into a corner and said, “Quick, what’s the alien equivalent of ‘a wizard did it’?”

The Kryptonian:

• Clark’s continued struggle with his feelings for Lana and his need to keep his secret. It’s a core conflict of the series, and this episode hammers it home with all the subtlety of, well, a hammer.

Looking Ahead

As we move forward in the series, “Visage” sets up some interesting potential plotlines. Will Clark’s spaceship continue to act independently? Will Lex ever learn to trust anyone? Will Lana ever realize that dating in Smallville is hazardous to one’s health?

Only time (and about eight more seasons) will tell.

Final Thoughts

“Visage” is a solid entry in the Smallville canon, blending the show’s trademark teen drama with its more supernatural elements. It’s not groundbreaking television, but it does what Smallville does best: take a ridiculous premise and commit to it whole-heartedly.

As we bid farewell to Tina Greer (for real this time… probably), we’re left with the comforting knowledge that in Smallville, no one ever really stays dead, and no secret identity is safe for long. Unless, of course, you’re Clark Kent. In which case, a pair of glasses is apparently all you need to fool the world.

Until next time, keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and maybe invest in a good security system if you live in Smallville. You never know when a shapeshifter might decide they want to be you for a day.