Kids… I think I just had a thought. It’s a thought about something that can never and would never happen. Because the past has been written and we have already had a Ghostbusters II and, further, Ghostbusters: Afterlife, cementing the Ghostbusters timeline in a way that is unalterable.

But I want to present you with an alternate history. A “What if…” if you will.

Think back to 1984. You’re watching Ghostbusters for the very first time and the film is racing towards the climactic battle between the Ghostbusters and Gozer the Gozerian. You’ll remember that, prior to Gozer’s eventual appearance on the roof of Dana Barrett’s apartment building, the shape-shifting god of destruction had two harbingers to announce it’s coming.

Dana, played by Sigourney Weaver, was possessed by Zuul, the Gatekeeper. Her neighbor, Louis Tully, played by the incomparable Rick Moranis, became possessed by the spirit of Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster. While it seems obvious to Dr. Egon Spengler that these two individuals should be kept as far from one another as possible, we all know that’s not how things played out.

Thanks to the meddling of a dickless EPA agent, the Ghostbusters containment unit was shut down, allowing every captured spiritual entity to break free and wreak havoc on an unsuspecting New York City. Stumbling out of the Ghostbusters’ firehouse HQ, Louis, as Vinz, claims that this is the sign he has been waiting for.

With the Ghostbusters arrested and brought before the mayor, there’s no one to keep Vinz from hooking up with Zuul. And hook up they do. I mean… come on. It’s foolish not to think that Louis and Dana didn’t have sex while under the influence of Vinz and Zuul, right? And that’s the part I want to draw your attention to. The off-screen intercourse between these two possessed characters.

Because in my alternate Ghostbusters history, that moment is what changes the future of these movies forever.

The rest of Ghostbusters plays out just as we remember it. Gozer appears, asks Ray if he’s a god, he foolishly says no, there’s a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man who steps on a church, we cross the streams, and the good guys win. Louis and Dana are both reverted to their original forms after having been turned into demon dogs. All is right with the world, right?

Now we pick up with Ghostbusters II in 1989. It’s five years later and we find that Dana has a son. No… it’s not the baby Oscar that we know from the real world film. In this alternate 1989, Dana’s little boy is four years old, having been born nine months following the events of the first film. Cue the suspenseful soap opera chords, please.

That’s right. The little unseen tryst between the possessed duo of Louis Tully and Dana Barrett led to the birth of a precious little boy. In between films, Louis would have tried to be that stand up guy who offers to marry Dana. She, of course, refuses his offer, telling him it’s sweet, but that they don’t love each other. Besides, she’s still sort of dating Dr. Venkman, right? Like in the real world, her relationship with Peter did not amount to much and was over as quickly as it began.

So what’s the catalyst for bringing the gang back together? Like in the Ghostbusters sequel we know, it’s still Dana’s son. We’ll still call him Oscar for continuity’s sake. But Oscar isn’t a baby who’s being groomed by some ancient dictator’s spirit trapped in a painting. It’s Oscar himself that is the source of the chaos.

The story begins when Oscar attends a birthday party, and strange supernatural occurrences disrupt the event. Dana becomes concerned that her son may be in danger due to his unique heritage. She reaches out to Dr. Egon Spengler, who enlists the help of Ray Stantz. The two Ghostbusters investigate Dana’s concerns, while Peter Venkman invites himself along, hoping to rekindle his brief romance with Dana.

It’s at this point, we reveal that Winston Zeddemore has already started down the road to wealth and success, which we see come to fruition in Ghostbusters: Afterlife. Because of the sound investments that he has made in recent years, he is able to fully fund the Ghostbusters as they enter their second wave of popularity. He even dons the iconic jumpsuit and proton pack, joining his friends in their adventures once more.

As the Ghostbusters delve into the strange events surrounding Oscar, they discover that he is not the target of supernatural occurrences but the cause. Oscar’s powers have grown as he’s aged, and he acts like any normal child with limitless power would – chaotic and out of control.

During their investigation, the team learns that Oscar is the perfect vessel for Gozer the Gozerian’s return to our world, due to his unique parentage. To prevent this apocalyptic disaster, the Ghostbusters must find a way to cleanse Oscar of his demonic heritage and return him to being a regular little boy.

The climax of the film sees the Ghostbusters facing a showdown with supernatural forces as they try to save Oscar and prevent Gozer’s return. With teamwork, humor, and a dash of nostalgia, the Ghostbusters ultimately succeed in restoring Oscar to his normal self and thwarting Gozer’s evil plans.

What do you think? Could that have made for a decent Ghostbusters II? Could it have been better than that whole Vigo the Carpathian fiasco? Let me know if this is a movie you would have paid to see back in 1989. I want to hear your thoughts down in the comments!