Sunday is Valentine’s Day. It’s that one day out of the year when couples seem to make it known to the world that they’re in a relationship. It’s the one day that single people are reminded in bold italics that they are SINGLE. But, to those of you who are a part of a couple, you don’t need to pity those who will spend Valentine’s Day alone. All the single people ask is that you not annoy them with your coupleness.
I know, you don’t even realize you’re doing it, especially if you’re in that lovey-dovey stage of your relationship. But, in case you were wondering, I’ve compiled a list of things that you can do to avoid invoking the single community’s gag reflex.
For those of you who are unaware, PDA refers to Public Displays of Affection, not the hand held electronic device that keeps important people up to speed on their day-to-day operations. These Public Displays of Affection include, but are not limited to, kissing, prolonged hugging, prolonged side hugs, playful shoving, and, to a lesser extent, hand holding. Also, if you’re in the 3rd grade, please refrain from too much hitting.
I know that you like to look into each others’ eyes. Yeah, they’re beautiful, aren’t they? But please know that there are other people standing around. And they’re watching you as you watch each other. And while they may not say anything out loud about your incessant staring, they’re secretly mocking you in their minds. Trust me, it’s true.
3. Refrain from too many pet names
I think that pet names can be sweet. It’s nice for someone to occasionally call you “honey” or “sweetheart” or “sport.” It’s nice to have that sense of familiarity every now and then. But all good things must come in moderation. We don’t need to hear your made up names that are really all words that have no true meaning in English or any other language. Schmoopy? I mean, really, where did that even come from?
It’s not possible to keep it up year after year. Eventually you’re going to run out of great ideas. Once you’ve hired the Goodyear Blimp to proclaim your love while you’re ice skating at the Rockefeller Center with rose petals lining the rink, you’ve pretty much hit the top. Just try to keep it low key, ’cause the people at the basketball game don’t really care about seeing you and your significant other on the Jumbotron. They want to see the replay of that awesome slam dunk.
5. Stop involving singles in your romantic schemes
If you can’t pull it off by yourself, then it’s too elaborate. Does your single friend really want to help you hide your little notes or your clues to the next clues that will eventually lead to a huge teddy bear holding a Russell Stover sampler? Also, your single friend probably doesn’t want to share any ideas that he or she may have. Because if those ideas were really all that great, wouldn’t they be using them to land their very own special someone for Valentine’s Day?
If you love the person that you’re with, let them know it every day. Don’t hold out until February 14th. I’m sure there’s a deep meaning behind what makes St. Valentine’s Day such a special day for loved ones. But in today’s society, it’s become the day when greeting card companies and lingerie designers sit back and collect their huge bonus checks. And that’s because so many people just forget to show their love throughout the other 364 days in the year.
7. Go easy on the flowers
I know, a lot of the time, you go online and pick out a bouquet that looks pretty. But looks can be deceiving. Not all flowers that are pleasant to look at are all that pleasant to smell. Flowers are dying anyway, so eventually, even the good ones will start smelling bad. Also, a side note, the makers of allergy medications make billions of dollars a year for a reason. I’m just sayin’.
I’m sure there are other annoyances that I haven’t thought of. These are just the ones that immediately come to mind. And before you label me a mean, bitter, old man, just remember that I’m providing this as a public service to you and yours. Because there are a lot of single people who see the 14th day of February approaching with hardened hearts. They only grow more cynical and their sarcasm knows no bounds. So if you can avoid annoying those hard hearted singles, then they can avoid sending you judgmental glares and hurtful remarks.