Welcome back to Rewatching Smallville, my weekly dive into the iconic series that explores Clark Kent’s journey before becoming Superman. Whether you’re a long-time fan or new to the show, you’re invited to join in each Tuesday as I revisit episodes and share my thoughts and observations. Be sure to share your own memories and theories in the comments below!

Ah, “Dichotic,” the 30th episode of Smallville, where we learn that even in a world of superpowered teens and megalomaniacal bald billionaires, the most dangerous thing is still dating in high school. Buckle up, folks, because we’re about to dive into an episode that gives new meaning to the phrase “two-timing.”

The Plot Thickens… and Splits in Two

Our episode opens with a scene that perfectly encapsulates the high school experience: shop class. Because nothing says “preparing for the future” like learning how to weld in 2002. We meet Ian Randall, an overachieving student who’s about to take multitasking to a whole new level.

Ian, played by ’90s heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas (apparently taking a break from grunting with Tim Allen), is unhappy with his C grade. Now, most of us would settle for complaining about it on MySpace, but Ian decides to take a more… hands-on approach. He confronts his teacher, Mr. Frankel, and then promptly kills him. Because that’s totally how you deal with disappointing grades, kids!

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor is having a bad day. After getting a parking ticket, he does what any rational adult would do: he grabs a golf club and starts whacking the meter maid’s car. I guess when your dad is Lionel Luthor, this counts as a measured response. This little temper tantrum lands Lex in anger management class, where he meets Dr. Helen Bryce. Spoiler alert: she’s about to become a major player in Lex’s life. Because nothing says “healthy relationship” like meeting in anger management, right?

Back at the Kent farm, Jonathan has a run-in with a tractor. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Finally! A vehicular accident!” But alas, it’s just a stationary tractor falling on Jonathan’s leg. Come on, Smallville, you’re slacking on the vehicle-related injuries this season.

The Ian Randall Show: A Tale of Two Ians

Now, let’s get to the meat of the episode: Ian’s dating shenanigans. Our boy Ian has figured out how to split himself into two identical copies. Instead of using this power for good (like, I don’t know, actually attending all those classes he’s supposedly acing), he decides to date both Chloe and Lana simultaneously.

Clark, our ever-vigilant hero, notices something’s off. But when he tries to warn Chloe and Lana, they both accuse him of jealousy. Because obviously, the guy who’s been pining for Lana since kindergarten and has a best friend who’s been pining for him is just jealous of the new guy. Solid logic, girls.

The Clark Kent Relationship Counseling Hour

This episode really showcases Clark’s budding career as a relationship counselor. He spends most of his time running between Chloe and Lana, trying to convince them that their boyfriend is quite literally two-timing them. It’s like watching a superpowered game of romantic whack-a-mole.

Chloe, in true Chloe fashion, responds to Clark’s warnings with her patented mix of sarcasm and insecurity. She accuses Clark of not being able to imagine someone choosing her over Lana. Oh, Chloe, honey, we’ve got about five more seasons of this particular drama ahead of us. Pace yourself.

Lana, on the other hand, goes for the classic “you’re just jealous” defense, sprinkled with a dash of “pot calling the kettle black” when she snarks about Clark having secrets. Lana, dear, there’s a slight difference between “hiding your alien origins” and “dating two girls at once,” but sure, go off.

The Luthor Subplot: Golf Clubs and Meet-Cutes

While all this teen drama is unfolding, we’ve got Lex embarking on his own romantic adventure. After his golf club incident (which, let’s be honest, is probably the tamest thing a Luthor has ever done), Lex meets Dr. Helen Bryce in anger management class.

Their meet-cute is classic Smallville: a mix of snark, sexual tension, and vague references to a shared past. Apparently, they had some sort of encounter years ago in a Metropolis ER. I’m betting it involved either a bar fight or a very unfortunate manscaping incident. Either way, it’s clear that Dr. Bryce is going to be more than just Lex’s anger management crush.

The Kent Family Drama: Tractor 1, Jonathan 0

Amidst all the teen angst and Luthor drama, we’ve got the ongoing saga of the Kent family. This episode gives us a hefty dose of Jonathan’s stubbornness (shocking, I know) and Martha’s guilt over her new job with Lionel Luthor.

Jonathan, despite having his leg crushed by a tractor, insists on going right back to work. Because nothing says “responsible farming” like hobbling around on a broken leg. Martha and Clark try to talk some sense into him, but you know how it is with Jonathan Kent – the man would probably try to plow a field while in a full body cast.

Martha, meanwhile, is dealing with the guilt of working for Lionel Luthor. It’s clear that her job is putting a strain on the family, with Jonathan feeling like the Luthors are coming first. But fear not, Kent fans – by the end of the episode, they have a heart-to-heart and resolve their issues. Because in the Kent household, communication solves everything. Well, communication and Clark’s superpowers.

The Grand Finale: Dam, That Escalated Quickly

In true Smallville fashion, the episode climaxes with a life-or-death situation at a conveniently located dam. Ian, realizing his two-timing (or should we say two-Ianing?) days are over, decides the logical next step is to throw both Chloe and Lana over the dam. As one does.

Clark, of course, speeds to the rescue. In a move that defies all laws of physics (but hey, that’s why we love Smallville), Clark manages to catch Chloe mid-fall and save Lana from going over the edge. Ian, however, isn’t so lucky. One of him falls to his apparent death, while the other… well, we’ll have to wait for a future episode to find out.

The Aftermath: Friendship, Apologies, and Vague Resolutions

The episode wraps up with Chloe and Lana calling Clark to the Talon to apologize. They have a conversation about their complex friendship that resolves absolutely nothing but gives us plenty of material for future angst.

Clark, in a rare moment of assertiveness, expresses his disappointment that they both trusted Ian over him. He also makes it clear that he doesn’t want to be treated like the jealous boyfriend, but rather as a friend. It’s a mature stance from Clark, which means it’ll probably last all of five minutes into the next episode.

Final Thoughts: Two Ians, One Clark, and a Whole Lot of Drama

“Dichotic” is a classic Smallville episode in many ways. We’ve got the freak-of-the-week with a twist (or should I say split?), the ongoing Kent family drama, a dash of Lex Luthor intrigue, and enough teen angst to fuel a dozen CW shows.

The episode does a good job of balancing its various plotlines. We get advancements in the larger season arcs – Lex meeting Dr. Bryce, the continued strain of Martha’s job on the Kent family – while still delivering a self-contained story about Ian and his duplicitous dating life.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Ian is a nice bit of casting, bringing some ’90s nostalgia to the show. His portrayal of the overachieving, morally bankrupt Ian is suitably creepy, making him one of the more memorable freaks-of-the-week.

The Clark-Lana-Chloe triangle continues to be a source of frustration and entertainment in equal measure. On one hand, the constant miscommunication and hurt feelings can get tiresome. On the other hand, it’s hilarious watching Clark try to navigate the minefield of teen romance while also dealing with his developing superpowers and the constant threat of kryptonite-mutated villains.

Lex’s storyline, while somewhat separate from the main plot, sets up what promises to be an interesting arc with Dr. Bryce. It’s always fun to see Lex’s softer side, even if we know it’s probably going to end in tragedy (because, well, it’s Lex Luthor).

One thing that “Dichotic” does particularly well is showcasing Clark’s growth. While he’s still very much a teenager dealing with typical teen problems, we see him taking a more proactive role in his relationships. His final conversation with Chloe and Lana, where he sets boundaries and expresses his feelings clearly, is a big step forward for his character.

In the grand scheme of Smallville‘s second season, “Dichotic” might not be the most pivotal episode. We don’t get any major revelations about Clark’s origins or significant advancements in the main plot. But what we do get is a solid, entertaining hour of television that balances humor, drama, and just the right amount of superhero action.

So, there you have it, folks. “Dichotic” – the episode that teaches us that no matter how bad your love life is, at least you’re not dating a guy who can literally be in two places at once. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. No judgment here.