Everyone knows who Snow White is, right? I mean, if you haven’t seen the Disney classic, there’s a good chance you saw one of the two movies that told her story a few years back: Snow White and the Huntsman and Mirror, Mirror.

And then there’s the current TV show Once Upon a Time, which puts a modern spin on things, including the character of Snow and her Prince Charming.

What do we know about the first Disney princess? According to Christopher Finch’s The Art of Walt Disney: From Mickey Mouse to the Magic Kingdoms, Snow White is a 14-year-old princess whose parents are dead. A magic mirror claims that she’s the fairest in the land, whatever that means. Turns out that’s enough to set off her psychotic step-mother in a jealous, homicidal rage.

So Snow had to run away from the castle to become a housekeeper for a group of miners. This isn’t much of a change for her since the queen was using her as slave labor, anyway.

Should You Date Her?

Absolutely not. For one thing, she’s 14. I don’t think that’s ever mentioned in the movie, but it’s in a book that chronicles the history of Disney animation. That means that someone somewhere made a decision to make Snow White a 14-year-old girl. That’s just way too young. Also, that information really paints the queen in a much more evil light. Who tries to murder a 14-year-old girl?

But let’s pretend she’s old enough to date. She lived with seven dudes at the same time. That denotes a questionable morality at best. It may have been completely platonic, but still… seven guys just seems like too much. Add to that the fact that some of her best friends appear to be birds and rodents, it just seems sketchy. They help her clean house. That doesn’t scream “clean” to me.

And what is she doing taking produce from a strange old lady that just shows up at the dwarfs’ cottage? Ugly old hags in black hoodies do not go reverse trick-or-treating in the middle of the forest. And, even if they did, you never accept apples from those women. You only take candy that’s still in the wrapper that you’re certain has not been tampered with.

Prince Charming should probably just move on.

Also, deal with the hallucinations.